I picked up a copy of Why Children Don’t Listen: A Guide for Parents and Teachers by Monika Kiel-Heinrichsen (Floris Books, 2006) at my favorite bookstore a few months ago. I don’t think the title does the book justice or sums up the wealth of information therein. The book is a guide to healthy and informed communication—the focus is on children, but much of the content applies to adults and various types of relationships.

Upon opening this book, you are not going to find a how-to manual or an assortment of disciplinary techniques. You will find quite a bit about self-development (particularly with regard to your own speech and nonverbal communication) and various models of communication that are aptly applied to life with children.

There are certain concepts I feel I “know” but need to be reminded of, especially when I am living through them. On page 23, the child entering “the terrible twos” is described as a being changing from one of impressions to one of expression, and the child exerting his or her ability to express himself or herself can be, well, a handful. While this isn’t news, I appreciate reminders of where my children are developmentally, and a simple change in perspective can be enough to refill my tank of patience when hearing my dear 1.5-year-old chirp “No, no, no, no, no!” for the hundredth time in a day.

The mantra given in the book that sums up the work of bringing up children in early childhood is:

Example and imitation,
Rhythm and repetition.

Yes.

Some concepts were fascinating, but not immediately applicable for me, mainly because of the level of analysis they entail. Kiel-Hinrichsen describes the “four messages” we all send and the “four ears” we all hear with (ie, appeal, factual, relationship, and self-disclosure) and delves into transaction analysis with children. Here she outlines the Parent Ego State and the Child Ego State and each of their component parts. A study of this theory would be really interesting and maybe a good topic for a future post.

A helpful and very practical section on the twelve senses is included, along with a listing of potential impairments of the senses and their consequences. I thought the richest chapter was the one on “Self-Discipline as the Basis of Bringing Up Children.” Honestly, this sums up much of my approach to parenting, as I firmly believe that who you are as a parent is more important than what you do. The striving to evolve and enrich oneself is the most significant value to model. The author describes the realm of human relationships, including parenting, as a “social art.” She delves into a model of self-awareness involving an “inner team,” contributed by German psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun.  Using this model, we can identify aspects of ourselves (members of our “inner team”) so that we can navigate the phases of inner conflict management.  I’m excited to work more with this idea, trying to establish my own inner team, including the helpers and hinderers! The book concludes with an overview of exercises and meditations offered by Rudolf Steiner and others.

My Takeaways

• Pay attention to my own speech and nonverbal communication. “Speech, beside touch, is the most direct connection between mother, father, and child. We can hear the soul’s mood in the voice and recognize the individual person by the voice.” (p. 47) Your voice and nonverbal communication can send messages differing from your words, which can confuse the listener, especially a young child. I am integrating this with a general decrease in my own chatter, working to speak only things that are true, kind, and necessary, always putting them through the three sieves. As I am learning in my work with homeschooling with Enki Education, rhythm, song, and gesture can all help to reduce the need for talking throughout the day. As Kiel-Hinrichsen says, “Children require clarity and sureness in our speech and accompanying gestures, as it helps them to develop feelings of support and security.” (p.49) Also, the quality of speech is important—clear, articulate, artistic speech will reach others, especially children, in a more direct way. Modeling this for children in our care is a gift. She includes a selection of tongue-twisters to help!
• When an issue arises with our children, look at what the child might be mirroring. A disconnect between what we say and how we say it? An unmet need? An exhausted parent?
• Continue on a path of self-development. Carve out time and space to meditate, journal, read, review notes and journal pages, engage in reflective exercises, and rest. This is the most important gift I can give myself and my family.

“Parents develop simultaneously with their children when they take time for their children and pay attention to the changing needs of different ages.” (p. 73)

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